On the seventh day God created man, well, on the eighth day, the woman convinced God to create her. Ugandan women are some of the most creative creatures in this world, they will even begin cohabiting with you, without realizing, by the time you wake up, a ring will be on your finger, by the time you wake up again, she will be asking for Junior’s school fees.
So here are those warning signals to alert you that she’s planning for a long stay at your place.
1. Toothbrush: When a lady brings her toothbrush into the house, then she’s planning an overnight at your place and another fortnight is in the making. Unlike sponges, which they can freely share with us, they can’t share a toothbrush, so they always bring their own. If she brings her toothbrush, ssebo you are finished. Begin planning to buy food for two.
2. Phone Charger: If she brings her phone chargers then you are in for a long-time with her, she’s planning on staying longer than usual. The bottom line is, never allow her into the house with her charger. She will discharge your financial life and increase your electricity bills. Spoil all the sockets. Funny thing is that they always bring small-pin chargers.
3. Panties: As you are busy checking that cabinet where you keep your boxers, you land on one of her G-strings, this is a real signal. She has come to stay, and to avoid a scenario of Museveni and Uganda, don’t give her olubengo, she will get it and still ask for a third term. Introduce a no-panties policy at your place. She won’t stay longer.
4. Rat-Beating Contests: If she introduces regular tournaments for beating the rat then she’s staying for another season. The bottom line is, don’t hold the matches at your place, hold them at her place.
5. Brings Her Favourite Knife: Ask her what she is planning to cut or chop. These women always have their favourite knife which they prefer when peeling. If she brings her knife, hide it, otherwise if she lands on it, she will stay till Olara Otunnu gets a wife.
6. Combs, Make-Up Bucket: If she brings her combs, her lipsticks and leaves them over at your place, you can as well, add her make-up to your monthly shopping list.
7. Changing dresses: This is a sure alert, if she has more than two changing dresses, kindly plan to lose someone and go to the village for burial before she buries you. If you don’t get rid of her as early as possible, then you are in for it. Do you know how much laundry soap and powder costs these days?
8. Pads: If she plans to go for her ‘girl moment’ at your place, then you are finished. Only wives do this in the presence of their husbands.
9. Panty Peg: Kindly ask her what she’s planning to hang there? Don’t allow her to bring in this peg, otherwise, dumping her will be so difficult.
10. Cook-book: If she brings her cook-book, then she wants to cook for you until love do you apart. Don’t allow her to step into your kitchen, she may mistake it for her previous kitchen and stay even longer.
11. Photo Album: Now this one is a must no. Never and never allow her to bring her photo-album. If she does, she will use it as evidence to implicate you in the courts of love. She will fill the album with photos where you are appearing together in compromising situations.
12. Sleeping Together In Bed: You can have sex on your bed, but never sleep together on the same bed regardless of how cold it may be. Always have a spare mattress, and don’t give up your bed for her, she’s the one supposed to sleep on the floor on that mattress, you own the house, she doesn’t. Sleeping on the same bed signifies a new definition of your relationship. It tells her that she can stay for as long as she desires.
13. Plates, Cups, Saucepans and Cutlery: If you see these items in your kitchen, kindly report to the nearest police my brother. She’s now your wife, she has moved in. If she ever brings any of these items, shift to a new place or location, if symptoms persist, expect a pregnancy.
14. Charcoal Stove: Ask her what she’s planning to cook? If she has no clear answer, she’s planning to cook you into marriage. Don’t allow anything that brings up fire in the house, she will cook all the food you planned to last you for a month in just a week.
15. Panga, Axe, Iron Bar and Acid: The panga and axe are used for security purposes just in case a thief attacks in the middle of the night. Well, for the Iron Bar, brother, you may be ‘kazinified’ in future into ‘drarulication’. However, for the acid, this is a clear indicator that she doesn’t expect any other female creature to ever step into this house. For these cases, we would advise you to commit suicide than kill yourself slowly.
16. Old Shoes: If she brings in all those pairs of old shoes that she no longer uses, then once again, you’ve been trapped. Take these shoes to the cobbler and dump them there.
17. She asks to know the landlord or landlady: Never introduce her to the landlady or landlord because once you do, she will have witnesses to implicate you. Don’t even introduce her to your neighbours, always treat her like a stranger or any other visitor when she comes. Otherwise when she gets to know the landlord then you will be her slave.
18. Her Movie Collection: If she brings those series and soaps and adds them to your TV deck, if she takes full control of the TV remote, Mama Phina is still alive and kicking, consult her on how to get rid of her.
19. Her Favourite Dress: If she leaves her favourite dress at your place and notifies you that it’s her best dress, then she’s going to stay for over a month. Because it’s her favourite dress and it’s at your place and she has to be near her favourite dress so she can wear it as long as she pleases.
20. Gonja, enyanya embisi, obutungulu: If she brings such foodstuffs to your place, develop some multiple-personality disorder and destroy all of them. Only wives buy such items. Hide your cooking oil, hide your charcoal stove, Ugandan girls are not easy.
The last nail in the coffin is when she brings that lesu or old dress which she will use to carry out her domestic duties, her novel which she never completes and then that rolling bag or suitcase to signify that she’s moved in. In that case my brother, plan to buy a Kanzu and Gomesi because the Introduction ceremony is not far away, plan to buy diapers because a baby is on the way and plan to get used to a chatterbox in your home.