Multiple random studies have shown that roughly 80% of women have admitted to faking orgasms. EIGHTY PERCENT! Keep in mind, that number is approximate and conditional, because it’s about 100% for my girlfriends. And by girlfriends, I mean my right hand. By the way, that’s just a joke. I’m left handed. How does a hand fake an orgasm you might ask? I have no idea; you’re reading too much into this.
But still, 80% is a pretty high number. That means that if you brought 100 girls into a room and asked, “have any of you guys ever faked an orgasm?” 20 of them would say “that’s none of your business. Get me out of this crowded room,” and the other 80 of them would say “yeah seriously, that’s a personal question. Now get us out of this crowded room.”
So, this all begs the question: How can we know? Women are apparently really good actors. They have been Daniel Day Lewis-ing the shit out of those sexual moans for a while now. It’s pretty impressive, actually. But for future reference, how can we know if they’re faking it? Here are the biggest red flags.
1. If she’s too loud.
Like if she’s moaning like a pornstar, you’re blasting a heavy metal CD (because you’re an asshole) at full volume and you can still barely hear the song over her cheesy shrieks of alleged pleasure, it’s definitely fake. Not every girl is a good actress, and sometimes they oversell it. Ladies, if you wanna trick us men (and don’t worry, it’s pretty easy), just be a little more subtle.
2. If she’s acting too into it.
If she’s moving around like an epileptic breakdancer that’s possessed by a demon, and she’s scratching down your back so hard that it’s bleeding enough to look like a scene from The Passion Of The Christ, she might be overselling it.
3. If she seems distracted.
Like part of her seems into it, but part of her seems like she’s still wondering why the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are still teenagers even though they’ve been around for like 40 years, she’s probably not enjoying herself, and her moans are probably forced. But really, why the fuck are the turtles STILL teenagers?! That shit infuriates me.
4. If it happens too soon.
Like if as soon as you put it in, she starts moaning. Not a single moan, I’m talking about her roaring like a happy maniac on PCP at an amusement park, she’s already ready to get this over with so she can go back to playing Bejeweled on her phone and silently hate your guts.
5. If she’s reading from a script.
If you’re hitting it, and you catch her holding a script, squinting to make sure she’s reading everything right. And you glance at the script and it just says:
“Fake Orgasm” Written and Directed by Eugene O’Neil. Scene 1: A bedroom, late in the afternoon. A couple is having sex. GIRL: (moans sexually) The End.
That is probably a fake orgasm.