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CHEAT SHEET: UCU Dudes Now Have a Beauty Rating Scale

CHEAT SHEET: UCU Dudes Now Have a Beauty Rating Scale

The ranking of female hotness between 1 and 10 is often times heavily skewed due to lack of real world experience. More often than not guys overestimate hotness because they honestly do not know how hot females are capable of being. Many men might classify a girl as a 9, when in reality she is barely a 4. This is because very few people have had the opportunity to spot a true 10. They don’t know how high the bar has been set. True 10’s are extremely elusive, perhaps even mythical. Their existence is the stuff of legend, a whisper in history by those who witnessed their beauty first hand and were strong enough to survive the shock. What’s it like to see a true 10? Remember when all the Nazi faces melted off after opening the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones? It’s like that. Some girls really are that hot.

1) Trolls
One is the loneliest number, for good reason. 1’s are as disgusting as it gets. It is never acceptable to sleep with a 1. If you bang a 1, you are cursed and shamed for life. It is a scarlet letter of ugly whoredom that will be remembered in paddle speeches for eternity. 1’s are not welcome in public. You’ll never see them on campus or out at a bar. Rumor has it, they lurk in the dungeons of hall rooms at night, like vultures waiting with disturbing patience to reverse rape an unsuspecting pledge who is too wasted and naïve to understand what is happening. These are mostly found at Cavendish University (jokes)…

2) Ugly Girls
An ugly girl is an ugly girl. You should all know this definition. She won’t turn any heads, but she also won’t be stoned to death if she’s seen in public. Most found at Muteesa 1 Royal University.

3) Most Girls
When a girl says that she’s a 5 or a 6, she really means a 3. This is probably the largest category of females on the planet. This is what most of your average slampieces can be classified as. Although 3’s are not ugly, they are certainly not hot. A generally accepted term for a 3 is “cute.” Often times, their faces will be sexy and loadsplosion worthy, but their bodies will be pudgy and amorphous. 3’s have the most potential to rise in class, if only they had the discipline to go to the gym more often and stop eating ice cream when they’re depressed. Wow, wow, wow, Makerere University, we got you covered.

4) Most Good Looking Girls
4 is a pretty good baseline for hotness. It’s about as low as you can go before you fall into the “just cute” category. 4’s take care of their bodies and understand their place in the pecking order of hotness. Often times, they have incredibly low self-esteem because they compare themselves to women who are much hotter than they are. They fail to see their own beauty, which is their Achilles heel, and your advantage. This weakness can be easily exploited. Simply reassure her of her own innate beauty and she’ll be slobbin’ knob in no time. Welcome to UCU….Uganda’s poosy paradise.

5) The Hottest Girl You Know
Think of the hottest girl you personally know. She is a 5. Don’t argue with it, accept it and learn to set your sights higher. Most guys would hardly have a chance with this type of girl because they rate her too highly. Because she is so highly over-rated her ego drastically inflates, which often makes her a raging bitch. She is a big fish in a small pond, but she thinks she’s the queen of the ocean. The best way to deal with a hot bitch like this is to destroy her false sense of superiority. Publicly demean her and expose her true inner ugliness and she will be begging you to bang her just to verify her own false pretenses. These girls are common at MUBS. Go argue with your jaajas.

6) The Hottest Girl You’ve Ever Seen in Real Life
6’s are typically what most guys would overrate as a 9. She is the hottest girl you’ve ever seen. Usually you just catch a fleeting glimpse of a 6 at a pool party or an upscale bar. Although 6’s are extremely hot, they are often the easiest to approach. 6 is where most rating scales top out. Most guys put 6’s up on a pedestal and are too afraid or insecure to approach them. This strange phenomenon actually deters guys from talking to 6’s. This perplexes the 6, who is usually bored and craving attention, entertainment, and cock. Simply walk up and start a conversation. She will respect how big your balls are and hopefully if you play your cards right, she will soon be sucking on them. Apparently they are hidden in the caves of Kyambogo University. Wait, am I dreaming?

7) Celebrities
7 is usually where fantasy rating begins. 7 marks the beginning of the 1%. Only 1% of the females on this planet control 70% of the hotness. It isn’t fair, but neither is capitalism. If you don’t like it, go live in a communist country where hotness is repressed and everyone is the same shade of busted. Juliana Kanyomozi is the perfect example of a 7. She is so hot and famous that she is virtually out of reach. Most guys don’t have a shit’s chance in a chocolate factory. If you want to get a 7, you’ve got to get famous. 80,000 hits on a YouTube video of you taking a wasabi enema up your ass isn’t going to cut it. You’ve got to be a rock star, movie star, or a titan in the entertainment industry (super agent, big shot producer, etc.) to have any shot at a celebrity. Or perhaps, you’ve got to work at

8 ) Victoria’s Secret Models
These women are simply famous because they are uber hot. Being an 8 does not require any outstanding qualities or skills, other than god given hotness. Most of their life has been given to them on a silver platter. All you have to do to get an 8 is be extremely rich. Being famous is a plus, but not necessary, just cash. Supermodels are like ravens, buy them lots of shiny things, and they will be happy.

9) Porn Stars
9 is the uncontested slam trophy of the modern godless world. 9’s are not only incredibly hot, but they can suck a bowling ball through a garden hose with a smile on their face. You wouldn’t last 30 seconds with a 9. Sex is her craft and she is a consumate professional. She is a sorcerer of sex, a cumshot conjuror. She is so hot that millions of heinous perverts around the world are currently masturbating to her at this very moment. All you need to have to get a 9 is a big dick and the sexual stamina of an oversexed bronco on horse Viagra. To clarify, not every slut who screws dudes on camera for money is a 9. Any number can find success in the porn industry. Even trolls can find work, usually by banging midgets, animals, or something.

10’s are a mysterious force in the Universe. They are not fully understood and cannot be controlled or contained. 10 is a degree of hotness that changes the course of human history forever. The tales and legends of 10’s are passed down from generation to generation over the course of centuries and millennia. A true 10 is like an astronomical event, they only happen every few thousand years. Helen of Troy was a 10. Cleopatra was a 10. Princess Elizabeth Bagaya of Tooro was a 10. True 10 hotness caused global wars and brought entire empires to their knees. Ask Idi Amin’s ghost about that Tooro Princess? Men fought and died because someone HAD to hit it, no matter the cost in public funds and human life.

Some believe that 10’s are all extinct, or perhaps that they never even existed at all. Others claim that they exist, but that no one can live to tell the tale. Their hotness is so overwhelming that anyone who sees a 10 in person cannot help but masturbate to death on the spot. Some believe that the end of the Mayan calendar signals the arrival of the next 10. She will be the prophesized one who will mold and shape the future of mankind with her molecularly perfect ass and tits. Unfortunately we will all have to wait until 2030 when she turns 18 and can finally shoot a Playboy centerfold. This event will mark the end of us. It will spark a synchronized worldwide boner that will tear through the fabric of reality like weak tissue paper, thus ending time and space as we know it.



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