Nothing spells stupidity like finding out there’s a pregnancy you can’t handle. If you are a campuser and she gets pregnant, that’s already too much baggage to carry in a short space of time. If you were just a slutty girl and you went in for a night stand, nothing reads dumb like coming back with a pregnancy. So we thought we would compile a superior list for our Makerere University students, this includes MUBS of course. We so care about you, why not teach you our top ten birth control methods. These are approved by Ministry of whateveeeveeerrrrr. We’ve ranked them in their order of effectiveness.
10. Being Gay
Okay, this should be number one considering that’s it’s very unpopular. But ever since gays took over Ugandan Universities, we’ve not heard of a single incidence of a pregnancy among their circles. It should be one of the most effective birth control methods. Not like we saying you should take it up, we just needed something to complete our top ten list.
I hate condoms. My girlfriend hates condoms. It’s like eating a good meal with polythene in your mouth. Just doesn’t make sense. 90% of sexual pleasure is lost in the space between the rubber and the two skins. Let’s state this, raw-dogging will always be the best when it comes to lovely pleasures, you suck the juices, and even lick the drops. But hey, if you’re trying to run away from a pregnancy, please and please, if it’s not on, there’s a chance you gonna produce the next Kato Lubwama.
Okay we know this is very impractical. We always believe only necessity causes people to abstain, the sheer lack of Ds approaching you or the lack of Ps to approach. But look, it’s the most effective way of avoiding a pregnancy or being responsible for one. Unless of course, someone just believes you deserve to be the father.
One of our guys here at CampusEye.ug is impotent. Like we know he can never become a father no matter how many times he nuts in a girl’s long-winding ‘hall of Armageddon.’ How on earth do you even start; “Brian I am pregnant.” Sorry Sasha, I am impotent. Rasta nah give birth.
6. The Pill
Invented at Makerere, to be precise in Mary Stuart Hall, the Pill has been saving many from unwanted pregnancies since 1970s. This could imply the popular Postinor for that morning after sex. Or it could imply the one you swallow once every three months. Life just got easier, what a wonderful time to be alive.
5. Pulling Out
Pull-out game is a skill that’s been passed on from fathers to their children from one generation to another. You can always withdraw, no matter the enjoyment, pull out and splash all the yoghurt on her face. But mehn, you can’t trust your johnny to pull out from Anita Fabiola, that’s like trusting Kiggundu to declare Besigye the winner of the elections.
4. An alias
If you never give her your real name, then you can never be held responsible for any unplanned pregnancy. They can’t collect child support from someone they can’t find. Not to mention, she didn’t have your kid, she had Robin Wabulembo’s fuck trophy. Her hands are tied. There’s no legal recourse she can take against a fictional character. So finish inside her — carefree..
3. Project Exterminate
You know what we mean? You can always pluck it out? Right? Yes, with Marie Stopes in town, the rest in this project is history. No more worries about pulling out.
If you are a girl reading this and you have no idea what an IUD is, we aint sure if you’re supposed to be at campus yet. If you’re a dude reading this and you are ignorant, like totally ignorant, we think you have no right raw-dogging her.
1. Being Broke and Ugly
This is ranked the top most effective birth control method for dudes at campus. Trust me, we’ve banged campus girls when we were broke, but only because we were handsome and wanted. Not once in our lifetime did we land on a broke and ugly dude being held responsible for a pregnancy. Basically, her own genes will reject this idea.