Public restrooms are the worst. At best, you get to do your personal business in the building of an Applebee’s. At worst, you’re in a truck stop restroom and could get murdered any minute (either by a random hobo on bath salt or from all the germs crawling on every surface).
But if you’re forced to use a public restroom urinal, here are the rules. Keep in mind, I didn’t come up with these — I woke up and they were written on my wall, given to me directly by God himself.
1. If there’s no one else in the restroom, always go to the furthest urinal; the one right next to the wall. Then, you need to get so close to the wall that you can read the disturbing and random anti-Semitic graffiti. Who the hell took a Sharpie into the bathroom, and why are they so bigoted? So many questions, so little time.
2. If there’s already a dude in the bathroom, always leave at least one empty urinal between you two (if not multiple). Don’t get up right next to them, you creepass. One of you may get a shy bladder due to the awkward social tension, and it could take a long-ass time for the flow to start. By the time that pee finally starts exiting you, you’ve been in there for like 12 hours and your girlfriend has no idea what the fuck happened and she thinks you died in there. This inevitably leads to her getting disappointed when she finds out you didn’t. Don’t get her hopes up like that.
On top of that, if you stand right next to a guy, he’s gonna be paranoid that you’re trying to catch a glimpse of his lead singer. Even worse, what if you do? And it’s way bigger than yours? Now your confidence is way down and your big job interview isn’t gonna go well later that day. OR, what if he has a disgusting dick that looks like a dead lizard? Now you’ve got PTSD and are prone to Vietnam-type flashbacks every time you see Rango playing on HBO.
4. If there are multiple dudes in there, still make sure you avoid standing next to anyone. Because if you stand next to one dude, all the other dudes are gonna feel left out and they’ll get self conscious and wonder why they weren’t good enough to be chosen, you inconsiderate piece of shit.
5. Don’t try to initiate small talk. It’s not the right place or time. Don’t ask them how their day is going; they’ve been forced by their bladder to go into a public bathroom — they’re obviously having a terrible day.
6. If you DO initiate small talk, though, ask them what they thought of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. That movie is super polarizing and it’s always interesting to hear people’s thoughts on it.
7. Always wash your hands afterward. Unless there’s no one in there, then don’t wash your hands because fuck it no one’s looking. Then shake as many hands as you possibly can the rest of the day.
8. Ok but seriously though, what the hell was up with the Martha scene in Batman v Superman? Like, they realize their moms have the same name so they immediately stop fighting? That was some bullshit.
9. Don’t try to “beat your high score” and pee from 5 feet away. Yes, it’d be super impressive. Like, REALLY badass. Actually, ignore this rule. Definitely try to beat your high score.
10. Actually, the Martha scene in Batman v Superman is severely misunderstood. When Batman hears the name Martha, it triggers memories of watching his mother get murdered. And, since he’s about to viciously murder Superman, he realizes with this “Martha” that he’s become the bad guy. He’s become hateful and violent and everything he used to stand against. Plus, it dawns on him that Superman is just a normal dude with a mother, and he doesn’t let another man’s mother get murdered, because he knows what that feels like. Dumbass.
11. Always flush the toilet with your foot to minimize the risk of catching AIDS/herpes/Ebola/Bieber fever, etc.
12. Give Batman v Superman another chance.
13. Avoid public restrooms as much as humanly possible..