When it comes to boys, there are certain things you can’t help but wonder what the actual fuck are they doing and why on earth they can get away with it. If you have a vagina, it’s something you’ve dealt with all of your life. Your lady parts aren’t quite as exciting as theirs, and you generally know how to think with your brain before acting foolishly. At this point you have developed a tolerance for some of the dumb shit they do. Still, there are times you can’t help but be curious what life would be like with vast amounts of testosterone and a schlong to match. So I think it’s time to describe what I, along with plenty of other women around the world, would do if I magically transfigured into a male for a week (because one day just isn’t enough time).
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m jealous of how wild guys can get when they take too much alcohol to the noggin. Or in some cases, they just have a rowdy personality and don’t even need booze to jump down a full flight of stairs. So if I transformed into a guy, after playing with my newfound penis, the first thing I’d do is see how creative and stupid I could get all at once. No fucks given. Some of which activities would be as follows:
- Throw the rager of the year because, duh, I won’t clean up afterwards.
- Get in as many fights as I can over literally anything, because apparently, throwing hands is fun when you’re piss drunk.
- Punch walls and break furniture just for fuck’s sake.
- Drink on the roof and holler at girls.
- Start as many beer showers as possible.
- Steal street signs when intoxicated because my apartment will obviously need ~authentic~ decorations.
- Drunkenly put a pizza in the oven at 3 a.m., forget about it, and almost burn the house down.
- Puke literally anywhere when my liver is calling it quits, and then continue to rage because my penis is saying, “Just one more shot and then she’ll get in bed with me.”
- Have the police question me and say the testosterone made me hump that old lady.
- Go to a casino and wake up shit broke.
- Shamelessly make the full 30-minute walk home alone when I can’t figure out how to use Uber.
- Wake up in a church parking lot naked.
Have A Strong Dick Game
Regardless of my own personal immaturity, we can all agree having a penis would be one hell of a good time. If the sex gods ever blessed me with a dick for a week, the amount of things I’d do with it is endless. Some of these things would be:
- Have a never-ending boner.
- Pee off of a bar balcony and make it rain on all of the passersby.
- Grab my junk ALL of the time.
- Send dick pics to literally everyone (especially to every dude who has ever sent one to me) just for shits and giggles.
- In fact, I might even print out pictures of my dick and frame them because I’m just that damn proud. It would be my new aesthetic.
- Wake up and jerk it.
- Stick it in front of a fan and watch it flap around.
- Piss out the car window.
- Tell people to “suck my dick,” and mean it figuratively and literally.
- Cum in my enemy’s shoes.
- Fuck some more.
- Stick my wiener in an apple pie.
- Pee anywhere EXCEPT a toilet.
- Try to give myself a beej.
- Go streaking.
- Measure it.
- Have someone kick me in the nuts so I can understand why boys won’t quit bitching about it.
- Wear basketball shorts when I have a boner so everyone knows what’s up.
- Dick slap someone.
- Pee my name on a wall.
- Helicopter until it falls off.
There are a lot of cool things I would do if I had a wiener, but being a guy means (a little) more than just thrusting your dong on things. Being a man requires testosterone. And if I had mass amounts of that specific hormone, I’d be extremely focused on getting in with the ladies. I’m sure there are plenty of techniques and activities that I could involve women in, but these are at the top of my list:
- Become a sugar daddy.
- Head to a strip club just to time how long I have a boner.
- Have a flag (American, frat, whatever) that I make chicks sign post-sex.
- Send more dick pics, duh.
- Hit up girls with a “u up?” text too.
- Have sex in public.
- Ghost anyone worth my time.
Live My Best Life
If I were a guy, I’d be able to live a much simpler life. I would definitely:
- Shamelessly flash my “tits” and be shirtless 24/7.
- Shake hands with everyone to declare my manliness.
- Maybe even “bring it in” with a few of my boys.
- Try to grow facial hair.
- But more importantly, work on my mullet.
- Call every male “bro” or “brother.”
- Be proud of my body, whether I have a dad bod or am a muscle man.
- Learn to spit accurately.
- Get away with a strange wardrobe, including a mix of bucket hats, jerseys, bowties, visors, jorts, etc… Pretty much anything but cargos.
- Go camping and fishing and live in the wild like a savage for more than an hour.
- Enjoy not having to shave my legs.
- Or wax my eyebrows.
- ….Fuck even more.
Damn I have male envy.